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My Dentist


I have invited my dentist to ‘The Venus Papers’.

We have quite an odd relationship, sort of antagonistic, but in a jovial kind of way. He asks about my work, then tells me how he doesn’t really like poetry, apart from Pam Ayres, of course.

I went to see him last week, for my normal yearly check up and this time he recited his favourite poem by her: ‘I wish I’d looked after my teeth’.

I told him (mumbled incoherently while he checked my bottom row with a mirror) that I thought it sounded a bit like a dream come true for dental propaganda and no wonder he liked it. He recited a few more lines, purposefully oblivious.

I have given my dentist a flyer for ‘The Venus Papers’ and described the basic premise of the show. For effect, I told him about the 6ft scallop shell, but left the leotard out of it, so as to preserve our patient/dentist relationship and not appear too weird.

He said it sounded a bit like Kylie Minogue’s Aphrodite thing. I said it was funny he should say that, as there was actually a poem about Kylie in it.

On the strength of this, and the shell, my dentist may come along to Derby.

I feel this may mark a new point in our dentally based relationship.

I am paying particular attention to cleaning my teeth.

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